Faith is Everything.

My faith is everything. I could and would not have survived the events of my life without it.

The level of loss I’ve endured is immeasurable. It cannot be put into words or placed on a time table. Once grief takes hold, and believe me it holds tight, it eventually becomes apart of you. It has a life of its own. Mine resides in my heart wrapped in my hope and faith.

The faith that our Father will, always to my well-being. The hope that one day I will be with my beloved husband and son again.

Faith that with Jesus by my side I live. Because without Him I would disintegrate into ash. The dust I came from.

Yes. Faith is everything.

A strong tower and fortress. Rest for the weary of body and spirit. Life in the shadow of death.

Faith is the light. The sun on my face, His breath in my lungs, the beat of a broken heart that continues to beat.

One Page a Day * Day 1

Quiet. I live in quiet – well except for the tv, the fan, and my pups. My phone, on silent vibrate, doesn’t ring, not because of the settings but because no one calls.

The laundry sits in baskets, folded and quiet, as laundry is. I crochet while the pups nap. This is my quiet – tv telling a story and the fan whirring. This is my quiet. I’ve watched too many series’ to completion simply listening as I crochet. It’s sort of like a story being read to me. Though oddly, I don’t like audible. Go figure. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m used to the voices of the shows I watch.

So knowing I need to do something after four long years of this quiet. My quiet. I need to write. But each time I try I blank, or lose interest.

Lately I’m frustrated with the quiet. I’ve come to know the “new” me in my “new” normal. Someone who didn’t exist four years ago. The “new” me has to fight fear. Has to go to therapy and take meds – having to pack the pills weekly like an 85 year old.

The “new” me has com to enjoy being alone – well, with the pups. Has come to patience in the waiting, though, come to think of it, I don’t know what I’m waiting for. So I continue to wait. In my quiet world, I wait. I’m okay with it, really, I am. I anticipate the event after the waiting.

Quiet. Patient. Waiting.

 

May I Share? 31 days of free writing [day 5]

Before I get to the prompt let me share with you my cheat. I decided that I would faithfully follow Kate’s 31 Day series. So I read, or began to read her post today (day 5) and got revelation!

So the prompt is: Share… Go…

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

I want to share a concern I have with my 31 day writing challenge: some may preceive it as negative and shy away.

Living life after death is the season I am in. I’m learning how to live again after tremendous loss. And I’m learning so much about and deepening my relationship with God. I’m learning so much about myself. And…

I’m learning to be quiet; hoping to learn to continually be in God’s presence. Stop.

Romans 12:15 was opened up for me tonight as I read Kate’s post.

Rejoice with those who rejoice.

Mourn with those who mourn.

The scripture is for the one who mourns as much as it is for those rejoicing!

I’m in a place where while I’m isolating I am also socializing, on purpose.

This was the year of weddings. Four Weddings. Three of which was a family of siblings! I attended these joyful events.

I rejoiced with them. I shared in their joy.

I experienced joy in my sorrow! *mind blown*

Honestly, I didn’t believe joy would be a part of my life again.

But God…JOY. Amazing!

There’s a time for everything…a time to weep and a time to [laugh] rejoice. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

Thanks to God for the joy. Thanks to Kate for the revelation. Thank you for stopping by.

à

I believe … [day 3]

It’s October again and time for 31 days of writing. This year I’m only linking up with my FMF sisters. Trying once again to get back to my first creative love, writing. Pen and paper, computer screen, lunch bag and envelopes! Writing is my calling, I believe 😉

Today’s Prompt:

Believe.

Go …

What do I believe? The question is really ,’who do I believe?’.

John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me.

Jesus. Father God. The Holy Spirit.

These I believe The Word of God.

I also belive that most people believe “in” God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit; as if they are imaginary. I can’t remember when the ‘I believe’ became revelation to me, but knowing that I know that they are real, that the Word is alive became a revelation, but I did have that AHA moment and it was early on in my walk.

Then life got really hard and my mind tried to close up operations making those thing real questionable. Trauma does this. It began when my Don …

STOP!

It began when my Don went home to be with the LORD. I woke up 3 days later at 5 in the morning (I’ll never forget) after he left and spoke outloud to the Father. Like Abraham I reminded Him (Abraham often reminded God) that since my husband was now with Him that He was my husband, my source…my comfort (though the comfort, while there, is often even now, overwhelmed by the losses I’ve endured). It was a spontaneous conversation with God and after putting out my demands I came to realize that I could still feel Don’s love. I still felt loved. I just had to adjust to my ‘new normal’; goodness widows hate that term. Seriously all widows feel the same about that phrase.

So today I believe … I continue to simply believe as I’ve been instructed to believe –

IN FAITH I believe. Without this knowledge I would have lost the battle to retain my mind after losing Don and Shane. Sometime the battle tries to overwhelm me so I cling to THEM for dear life. THEY save me daily.

Each.And.Every.Day.

John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know^[b] my Father as well.  From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

About a year ago … the mark of having lost my son for one year , I heard this song. It truly says what I believe.

I believe He is.

Thanks so much for stopping by and coming with me on this journey of mine. God bless.

http://hopeannfaith.com

http://hopeannfaith.com

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I’m sorry. I’m afraid, I can’t. [day 2].

God tells us 365 times in the Bible not to be afraid. One for each day. You would think we would be able to get this one down pat.

Go...

I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’m not there yet.

In a matter of 19 months and then in the blink of an eye my life was irrevocably changed. So how do I begin again. It’s easy, though still very painful, to look back now and see how I got here. Yet, I’m afraid I don’t know what tomorrow brings. It’s hard.

I’ve gotten to the true grieving part. The part where most of my pain is private, inward, isolated. There are several reasons I say this.

1. Grieving, unlike her outward sister Mourning, is a heart and spirit thing. It’s done almost entirely by oneself. But God. Thank goodness for God!
2. I grieve privately because after 3 1/2 years people wonder why I’m still grieving, and there’s noway to tell them the truth. It doesn’t end. It simply becomes apart of you.
3. I isolate. And I believe that most widows and mothers of the deceased child isolate, even if that was not apart of who they were before the sorrows.

Stop.

During this transition, which will end with me being okay. Though many things in this new life, that I didn’t anticipate, cause me great fear (anxiety) I run to Father God and find one of His encouragements to not fear, as I work towards courageous.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9b

Well, I found that that five minutes lasted quite a bit. Funny how time is so much more when you live in faith. Thanks for stopping by … I hope this helps someone. If I can just help one to feel not alone I’ll be happy.

 

http://hopeannfaith.com

 

http://hopeannfaith.com

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Living Life After Death-5 Minutes @ a Time: [day 1]

It’s October again and time for 31 days of writing. This year I’m only linking up with my FMF sisters. Trying once again to get back to my first creative lote, writing. It’s been a long 3 and a half years. I only know that from looking back on it. Because it sure feels like a lifetime has passed. And actually, two lifetimes did. [insert sigh]

So … about the 5 minutes at a time. FMF =Five Minute Friday, hosted by Kate, where my sister writers and I take one day to free write, un-rushed, for 5 minutes each Friday. Throwing punctuation and grammar to the wind [quite the feat for a grammarista!]. No spell check. No corrections.

::I’m updating here to let you know that this post/page will serve as my landing page.  A landing page or table of contents page is where you, my dear readers, can find a link to each of my 31 Day writes. So down at the bottom of this, my [day 1] post I will link each of my posts for you to find easily.::

The theme for my FMF 31 Day Write is … Living Life After Death. I know that sounds daunting, right? Well, not as daunting as getting here, today from there. Where’s there you ask … that’s a tough question to answer, and yet I’ve spent 3 years feeling as though I’ve had to explain the where to justify the here and now, to some. So I will try to fill you in on my Story in five minutes!

Story is the prompt…GO!

No rush, right. [insert smile].

Three years ago my husband died from cancer after a 19-month battle. When I say battle I mean the disease’s toll on us as a family. My husband lived ,to the fullest, all but one week of those 19 months. He never gave up until he was finally called home to the Lord.

Sixteen months later my youngest son passed away due to fentanyl poisoning. He was an addict for 17 years. Another battle that took a toll on all of us as a family. He tried. He fought it in the end and things were looking up but …. STOP.

Heroin addiction is a disease and while cancer’s existence within my husband’s body wore his body down, heroin has a voice and a hunger that wears down the person’s mind while the sickness of not giving in wears down the body just as much as giving in and using the drug.

So in 16 months, my little family was cut in half. My oldest son and I move forward in faith, learning to live this life after death.

So if you’d like, I’d enjoy your company on this 31-day journey to wherever God will take us.

                                                                1. story. [you are here]

    2.  afraid 

3. believe

4. why

5. FMF – Share

6. belong

7. hope

8. comfort

9. inspire

10. how

11. door

12. FMF –

13. talk

14. ask

15. when

16. pray

17. pause

18. search

19. FMF – 

20. Audience

21. start

22. help

23. common

24. brief

25. capture

26. FMF – 

27. whole

28. song

29. together

30. voice

31. close

Thanks so much for stopping by and coming with me on this journey of mine. God bless.

 

 

 

 

http://hopeannfaith.com

http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/

 

A complete mess of a life.

You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
I’m going through hard stuff, by myself. The physical stuff I should be doing overwhelms me. I honestly think about a task, know that it would be easy to do yet I don’t get to it. I should be writing, (I know, I’m writing at the moment.). I should be taking pictures. I should empty that bookcase and clear out the vast Pan cabinet I’ve been meaning to get to…Nothing is complete(d).
Everything in my life is (in)complete…can I just say that as Don’s widow and the mother of the deceased boy, Shane.
People say and actually get a bit miffed when I say I have to do everything alone. But the work I need done is INSIDE. It’s all apart of me, the bookcase, the pan cabinet, the “living” room which should be called the existing room.
If I clean out that bookcase, I clean out a part of who I was without a clear view of who I am without the contents of that bookcase.
So I lost 2 beating hearts that my heart beat with and now I must lose the rest, I guess. Box up the life I ahd with them, clear the clutter of a happy life that is now just a memory and that clutter, oh that clutter is attached to that memory, that moment before those two beating hearts stopped.
In a week my son will be in heaven for two years. This passage of another year without a part of me, it’s tearing at my insides and no one sees. They don’t see because I don’t let them because I see the faces and down cast eyes and I hear the sighs and I realize they don’t know what to do and I make them uncomfortable. It’s true. They’ll lie and say it isn’t so, but it is.
So yeah, I’m a complete mess. They say how a persons living area looks is a picture of a persons emotional circumstances.
A complete mess.

Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate all of you.

http://hopeannfaith.com

http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/

Let it rain…

Ecclesiates 3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

THE FMF PROMPT: RAIN…GO.

Here on the East Coast of the U.S., It’s been swelteringly hot and humid.  To swelter is to be uncomfortably hot, a nice way of saying it’s been hot and heavy as h……. 😳

The heaviness of the air truly wants to let the moisture go and we sure prayed for any relief at all. Just a breeze or a quick sun shower, though the sun was hidden behind the gloomy haze.

The heaviness in the air reminded me of my emotions. Three years and I’ve learned to gather all those tears inside of me. All the emotions stored and threatening to burst at any moment. This causes me to isolate which is easy because everyone has their own lives and I spent the majority of my time alone. It may be a rut…a three year rut. Or it may just be the slow rhythm of my life now. In isolation those tears can rain freely and the release like the cooling rain on a sweltering day, sooths the land of my broken heart.

Grieving and mourning are used interchangeably while they really are not. I’m at the grieving part, it is the part of this emotional place done internally. In private, its the part of this process one can only do alone, and its the part that is forever. There is eternity here on earth, in our hearts. I vowed to love for eternity. Both my children and my husband and Jesus. The Word does say that God put eternity in the hearts of man…

Ecclesiastes 3 ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

STOP.

It’s raining here today. Finally. Temps have decreased in double digits. And somehow my emotions have balanced with the barometric pressure, for today anyway.

I find it interesting how our bodies and minds are affected by the weather. The Lord has truly made our bodies and this earth and her atmosphere amazing! I’m continually in awe of the perfection of all of God’s creations. God is truly sovereign and mighty in all things.

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read. God Bless.

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Talk about RUSH!

 

FMF Prompt: Rush

Go!

I just did my first FMF 31 Day Write and posted and then realized that it starts in a month! Seriously funny! I also just did, inadvertantly, my first “schedule post”. I’ve been rushing around for going on 3 weeks now. Not my usual schedule.

My usual schedule is slow and easy to non-existance. No family to care for, except for Dad, who has needed some help lately. It saddens me that we are getting there with him. But he’s up and running again. STOP!

Life for me is a series of ups and downs. Life is slow or it is a rush-rush mess. For me, it causes stress. And, more so to add to my stress the therapist says I’m suffering from PTSD. She’s diagnosing, I’m rebuking.

So I revert to my go-to scripture. God revealed it to me when I was a new baby Christian.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” I was so relieved knowing that God would fight my battles, I just had to be quiet and still.

Still is an issue for me! Quiet is REALLY an the issue for me! I’m working on those though. My personal experiences of the last 3 1/2 years have taught not to ”not sweat the small stuff” but rather to recognize within me what the small stuff is and what it isn’t. I’ve let God fight for me, truly and I was not surprised when He was faithful. I expected him to be.

After losing my husband I reminded God that He was my Husband and I wanted Him to care for me and my life. When my son died very shortly afterward I clung to God, and while I didn’t care what He did to care for me or not I absolutely needed Him to take care OF me. Again He was faithful, though at that point of my life I expected nothing.

Like the song, You Say says…”You say I am loved when I don’t feel a thing.”

Not feeling anything remains a thing in my life. Sadly. But God…

And I believe…

So, on a whole my love is slow. No rush in anything. Sometimes the fastest thing I do is an FMF post. 🙂

Right now I am filling the slow with filling my self with knowledge and wisdom of God’ healing deep within me so that it manifested to the fullest. And a personal study of the prophetess and judge Deborah. I long to be a woman of wisdom.

What do you fill your time with when it slows down? Share with us in the comment.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by and read. God Bless.

 

http://hopeannfaith.com

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I believe.

I’m in love with two songs these days: You Say and The Way, I’ll share the videos at the end.

It been an incredible 3 years. I don’t know how I got here, seriously. But here I am and I keep waking up and showing up. It’s hard most days, and I never know when a wave of sorrow will wash over me.

I spend much of my time alone these days and I’m slowly (tortious slow) getting used to it. So it’s either tv or crochet or… I do go to church on Sundays and to Bible study on Thursday’s…these are my social life. I go to the grocery store…this is my exercise and quiet time.

But lets – (STOP for FMF). get to the prompt. Loved and the two songs. They speak to how and who I am in Christ. Just a few weeks ago I said to my loved minister/mentor that I didn’t know if I was a mature Christian. She lovingly said that I was. Yet, sometimes I continue to question where I am in faith. Enter the songs that simplified that question.

Listening to the fairly new Lauren Daigle #LaurenDaigle song, You Say #YouSay the Holy Spirit rose within me and hugged me tightly as I listened, replayed, and gain as I soaked up the love of God. We make faith so hard, putting rules and measurements on faith when it is really quite simple.

The Word says that we ARE Loved. For the sake of time, I’ll give you these scriptures to look up…it’s always better to check the Bible yourself, especially for context.

• Zephaniah 3:17
• Romans 5:2-5 and 5:8

This line in Daigle’s song tears me up, to actual crying:

”You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing”

She ends of this chorus with, ”I believe… I believe what you say of me.”

You Say -Lauren Daigle

The Word tells us simply…We must believe. Believe in what Christ Jesus did for us on the cross. Jesus, The Word, is alive and we must believe this with/in faith.

I believe I am loved when I literally (still at times) don’t feel a thing.

The song #TheWay by #Housefires clears up faith for us, quite simply. The lyrics are right out of scripture, specifically John 14:6.

I have a pet peeve, while I believe we are still living in the concept of the Book of Acts, I wonder often while others think they need books outside of the Bible to know God and His plans. I’m huge on ”go to the source”. The Bible is clear and simple, though I also firmly believe one needs Bible Truth teaching church and like-minded fellowship, regularly.

Housefire’s is directly from God’s Word and it truly is Alive.

Again we are taught to believe, by faith that God is. Throughout the some are the lines, punctuated as complete.

”I believe” and ”I believe You are ”. Simple.

The Scriptures again are lovingly stitched into the entire song. I Loved this song immediately and again I play it repeatedly.

So as I join you I encourage us to seek God’s Word only through His Word, the Bible. Go to the source. And as we begin to believe more our faith grows much more.

We begin to believe we are Loved, unconditionally, no matter our circumstances.

The Way – Housefires

I pray this blessed you, my dear readers. As always, thank you for stopping by.

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